A Green Singles Experience Part 1

Written by Lonely Green Heart

After 15 years in a marriage and raising four children, I woke up one day last year to discover I was single.  My wife had abandoned our family to run off to Europe with a tourist that came through our town.  I listened to my friends stories of mid life crisis and thought I understood the upheaval they were going through, but when it happened to me, in all honesty, it took me by complete surprise. I had trusted my partner completely and it turned out to be an illusion.  My spouse had been going through a life change that effected her physically and emotionally and as it turned out spiritually.  In one week, it seems that she had abandoned all the values that had attracted me to her in the first place and it was like there was a stranger in the house.  Not long after that, she disappeared from our life and the country. 

Needless to say I was completely shaken by this turn of events. Not only was I emotionally and physically abandoned, but she had left me with three boys of her own and a daughter we had together to take care of on our micro farm.   I was beside myself, completely dysfunctional for many weeks, and only became functional again after three months of processing the truth of what had happened to our family.  The reality of the situation set in and I had to burn the midnight oil to catch up on not only the impact of her sudden departure but on my own missing in action response to the shock of her disappearing act.

I was not sure if I could wear pants and a skirt at the same time and fill the shoes of both a Mom and a Dad for my teenagers in particular but I was going to do my best and I was determined that as little would change as possible for the children. As months went by I began to adjust to being a single parent and eventually the house began to run smoothly again.  My kids came to me one day when I was feeling particularly inadequate in my new role as single parent and told me that "You are doing a great job Dad and the house has never run better."  A million dollars could not have cheered me up more than those words and their encouragement.  That day was a turning point for me for which I will be eternally grateful.  I began to think of the future again...

My kids have always been a priority to me and I had designed my life around working from home so I could be available to them as much as possible. However as they grew older the time we spent together started to diminish. Teenagers tend to have busy lives and in spite of the fact that we live in the country mine seem to be wall to wall with activities that take them away from home for hours and some time days at a time.  Two were off to university and the two that were home were pretty active. So I was often the only one left at home with a dog and cat.  I always  had plenty to do but they could see that I was not happy being alone all the time and eventually they started to suggest that I get out and about more and have a social life.

After decades of being in a relationship I must admit I was a little terrified about dating again and I had to admit to myself that I was more than a little gun shy.  But I knew that I was fading into hermit hood if I did not break through my fears and step back out into the world as a single parent.  It must have been difficult for them to imagine me with anyone but their mother but they obviously wanted me to be happy again and made that known. My kids were great!

It was with their encouragement that I decided to check out a singles site on the internet.  I am a environmental, natural health and social activist and my first wife though interested in these areas was not as committed as I was to facilitating change in our lives and our community as I was.  So I thought that looking for a companion that could share my interests and my vision of possibilities was an important part of creating a happy and long term relationship.

I had heard about Green Singles from a friend but it was my children actually sent me to the site to check it out . It took a few months of their gentle encouragement before I dug up the courage and posted a profile.  But I had no expectations from it and did not check my inbox for several weeks. I was totally surprised by the fact that there were messages there when I went back to the site.

So began a journey that I had never expected to be on in my life time.   There seemed to be many people of like mind on the site and I was amazed by how easy it was to correspond with the women who contacted me through the site.  They were already on the same page with me on so many topics that conversations were easy and interesting.  After so much deliberation and procrastination I discovered that I had been worrying about nothing.

At first, I had many interesting conversations with many interesting women from all over North America until I realized that I was not likely to be going to California for a movie and dinner on Friday night.  So I narrowed my search to Canada so at least we would be in the same country.

The first woman who I developed an online relationship with was a writer and  life coach who lived on an isolated island off the British Columbia coast.  She was wonderful to talk to and we would share our thoughts about life till the wee hours of the morning several nights a week.  However part of me was aware that it was pretty safe as she only lived 4000 miles away and we did not have to actually meet face to face.   I was building and eco center and she was living in a west coast paradise and neither of us could imagine transforming our life to the other side of the country.  Not that I regret it. It was a very rewarding relationship. We had a wonderful intellectual relationship but the lack of a warm hand or hug left me feeling pretty alone with my emotions.  She must have felt that and sent me a dear john email at one point and made it quite clear that though she said she loved me all we would ever have in three dimensions was a friendship.  Once again when reality set in I knew she was right.

Through out all this I knew I was pretty gun shy and probably avoiding the risks of getting hurt again but I knew I had to go through this to get to the other side.

So I had survived my first online relationship and come out of it with a good friend. Not so bad for my first venture into single life.  But it was clear that if I wanted more I would have to look in closer fields than just the same country. So after I licked the wounds of my own romantic expectations I decided to take a larger risk.  "Ok then lets look a little closer"  So I narrowed my search to Ontario and in the next report I will tell you what I experienced in my search for love in all the green places.